Fan Mail Wednesday #17

Here’s one that just came sizzling through the wires, presumably typed by an older sister:

My brother Tommy is a huge fan of yours. He is reading
Six Innings and is enjoying it very much. My sister Kathy is reading Jigsaw Jones and is also loving it!! Thanks for your time! Please right back.

From, Mary Beth

*Live * Laugh * Love*

Here’s my reply:

Dear Mary Beth, Tommy, and Kathy,

Thanks for the note. This is exactly what I’m talking about, America! Everybody in the house should be reading my books. Even the pets! Wait, I take that back — especially the pets!

Seriously, Tommy, I’m glad you are reading Six Innings. I vividly remember when I played Little League. Once when I was ten years old, the youngest kid in the Majors, I lost a game that I pitched, 1-0. I was crushed. I remember sitting in my dad’s car after the game — hiding, really — fighting back the tears that welled in my eyes. The opposing team’s pitcher, Michael Aldridge, who was 12 years old and the best player in the league, came over and shook my hand. He told me I pitched really well. But I couldn’t even look at him. All I did was sniffle. It’s amazing that I can remember that so perfectly, 37 years later. It must have been important, you know? That’s why I wrote that book. For a lot of boys like me, those games mean, or meant, a lot.

Kathy, that’s cool you are loving my Jigsaw Jones books. As a matter of fact, I am writing a new one, The Case of the Skeleton’s Secret. Anyway, I’ve never had anyone fart in a Jigsaw Jones book. Or burp, for that matter — even after more than 250,000 words. But I’m thinking about writing a fart scene after I finish this letter. Why? I can’t possibly think of a good reason! Except I want it to sound like this . . . poof . . . the softest, quietest sound ever. It’s more about the reaction than the, um, gaseous event. So it’s important WHO farts, you know. Obviously, this requires some DEEP THINKING. So I’ll write it, but I can’t promise the scene will stay in the book. We’ll see what my editor thinks. Do you think it’s too gross? I’m afraid it might be. But like they say, “Everybody farts.” Except for my wife, who simply refuses. I’m worried that one day she’ll explode.

Mary Beth, you must be a great sister. It was nice of you to write the email for Tommy and Kathy. I like that you end your message with: *Live * Laugh * Love* But I think you forgot some other essential L-words, like: *Lollipops * Lungfish * Lilliputian * La-de-da * Leg-of-Mutton * and Ludicrous.

Just trying to be helpful.


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